Infertility, The Space We Hold


a man and woman looking at a pregnancy test struggling with infertilityAnyone who has been inside my home knows that our walls are laid out into little vignettes of artwork. A honeymoon souvenir here. A set of picture shelves there. No exact theme in many spots.

What they may not notice is the space…

That perfect little 16×20 gap just beneath a set of shelves. For years, the space above the couch just waited for something. The spaces where an extra wedding picture, or a holiday image could go. But they wait.

They wait for someone. At first for my daughter. The spaces waited and waited as we sorted through PCOS and infertility. And then came uncertainty. Did I have time to wait for another? Did I need to jump right away for baby number two? In that case, shouldn’t the spaces continue to wait for another set of newborn images?

It took me two years to decide, no, on that last question. To begin to fill space even as we face secondary infertility head-on. I begin to fill space honestly with everything. I had refused to allow space for years. Large family canvases just began moving into this home. A wedding canvas. A trip to Canada years before the birth of my daughter. Images in celebration of her second birthday. I have decided to release a breath that I have held for years, however, space is still held.

Some thoughtful gaps still remain on our walls to be filled however our future allows.

Space is held in our schedules for rounds and rounds of blood work and ultrasounds. For joy, for hope, for peace with where we are. Space is held for questions from loved ones and appreciation of their support. Space is held for a deep appreciation of the gift that our daughter is every day. That spot of appreciation is allowed to take up the most room in our hearts as we continue to leave a tiny space. One that may be filled with sadness or joy but in one way or another, will someday make room to hold only appreciation for the love of one child or more.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.