You know that friend? The one who always checks in on you, sends you a coffee gift card out of the blue, never makes you feel bad for missing a text, and loves you for exactly who you are? I consider myself blessed to have a few of these incredibly special friends – and, it’s the type of friend I aspire to be, to everyone around me.
Yet, it can be hard to know exactly how to be a good friend. It becomes even harder when you become a mother, and your time spent on friendships seems to dwindle. These are five tips for how to be a good mom friend – and most of them are applicable to any friendship you may be cultivating in your life.
Make The First Move
If you have young kids, it can be surprisingly difficult to meet new mom friends. The past couple of years have made it even harder, given the isolation we have experienced. What is one to do? Make the first move! When I first moved to Massachusetts last year, I was eager to find new friends – yet, I was homebound much of the time. As soon as I ran into another mom, on the street, I introduced myself and we connected quickly. I have also leveraged social media – and this community – to make new mom friends. Don’t hesitate to say HI! Ask for her number, and follow-up. Remember this: we all want to make friends, so it never hurts to say hello.
Offer Help, Get Specific
There are few things that I fundamentally believe to be true, and this is one of them: we all like to provide support to each other, and we all have a hard time accepting support from others. While that second piece is true, it’s a bit more complicated – at times, we don’t know what we need. At other times, we feel afraid or awkward asking for help.
Offer choices. As an example, you might say to a friend who gave birth recently: “I’m making you dinner next week – would you prefer lasagna, tacos, or grilled chicken with veggies? I’ll drop it off on Wednesday, unless you prefer a different day.”
Be Vulnerable
Motherhood is hard, and we are all going through so much on a daily basis. We are exhausted, our kids get sick, our marriages go through rough patches, and we feel lonely. I have found that the more honest I am – the more vulnerable I get – the more connected I become to other moms in my life. It is so easy to put up a strong front, we do that every day as mothers. But when you get real, and talk about the hard stuff? That is where deep connections come from.
No Unsolicited Advice
How often do you find unsolicited advice helpful? If you’re like me, it’s probably not often. And it can actually become quite frustrating for the recipient, no matter how well intentioned it is. As tempting as it can be, just don’t do it. Instead, when I learn a friend is pregnant or going through a motherhood phase that I’ve been through, I’ll say something like this. “I am so excited for you, and I’m open to talking about anything that would be helpful. I won’t offer any unsolicited advice, but if there is something you’d like me to share – about anything – just tell me, and I would be more than happy to.” This puts the power into the hands of the mother, and anything you do ultimately share will be received with love, not annoyance.
Love and Accept Her
This last one is simple. You chose your friend for a reason, and now, you just need to love her. Celebrate her victories, hold her hand through the sorrows, and continue to show up. If she forgets to text you for a few days (or weeks), or she forgets an important event, or anything else – continue to love her. We are all doing our best, and we are all perfectly imperfect. Let’s move towards each other with more kindness, grace, and generosity – and our friendships will continue to provide meaning and support in all of our lives.
