Getting To The Other Side of Postpartum Anxiety

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I’ve always been a positive, glass half full kind of girl. That’s why when Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) struck me for a second time, I was bummed beyond belief.

Where did my happiness go when my beautiful newborn daughter was staring me straight in the eyes looking for love back? Why couldn’t I feel a thing when I had everything I had always wanted? Why couldn’t I muster a smile when someone called or texted that they wanted to swing by to meet the baby?

I just didn’t feel well.

Mentally and emotionally, I was far from where I used to be and it really made me upset.

Yes, my uneasy mood was largely due to a severe lack of sleep, but above all else, it was thanks to the unshakable anxiety brought on by the heaviness of that fourth trimester. You know, that period of time no one seems to talk about enough. It is always about the baby… never really about the mom. (Why is that?!)

For me, that trimester looked like this: I was sore from an unplanned C-section, battling sleep deprivation, dealing with the endless challenges around breastfeeding, and helping my toddler navigate a major life change. Not to mention, having a newborn in the middle of dreary February in New England with all the snow and little to no sun. Talk about a mood killer!

I wasn’t sleeping. I wasn’t smiling or laughing. I was running on cups of caffeine and really just slugging along, day by day, donning the same spit-up on clothes and half smile.

I felt unrecognizable.

My husband would say I looked great and didn’t seem down on the outside, but if only he could see in. I was really struggling to find any joy or bright spots in my day.

The old me wouldn’t believe her eyes if she got a glimpse of this me. A tired mom of two. A woman who should have been enjoying her maternity leave to the fullest but was instead craving more time alone. A yogi who knew what it took to calm down and breathe but couldn’t ask for help or time to do it. A professional who wanted to be home with her children but also felt like her 9-5 grind would have just been easier.

The monotony of the newborn stage was draining (for me, anyway). As much as I wanted to love on my daughter and cuddle her in complete bliss, there were many times where it felt really hard. Not because I didn’t love her (obviously), but because of that edgy feeling I couldn’t get out of my system. I was always on the brink of crying (somehow I only did once… weird). Motherhood was feeling all too overwhelming.

What did I get myself into? How could I manage this all? Why did I feel like I was floating on my own island?

Intrusive thoughts never came into my mind. I never thought of harming myself or my children — thankfully — but for many women with PPA or PPD, that isn’t the case. (Please seek professional medical help if you’re experiencing this.)

What I really needed was time.

Time to heal, to move through my experience, and steady support. My husband, family and friends stuck by me. There were so many times I just needed to vent and be heard. I said “no” when I didn’t want company. I asked for naps when I needed rest. I talked to a therapist when I needed guidance. All of that combined really shifted things… slowly, but surely.

Now that I’m about four months out, I can see myself coming home to me. A tired, anxious and unsettled mother finding her way back. It feels so good to be here, to be discovering the parts of myself I love and respect, and the children that long for me just to hold them. I’m able to hold them back now and really find the present moment instead of wishing and hoping and praying for my life back.

If you’re in the thick of it now, know you are not alone.

So many moms (and dads) suffer with Postpartum Anxiety and if we all start talking about it more, we’ll see just how important community support is in getting to the other side of it. Step forward and talk to those in your circle. Raise your hand and say, “help!” and don’t sit in your sadness alone any longer than you need to.

You don’t have to do this alone. You weren’t made to.

And know, above the noise in your head and heaviness in your heart, your children love and adore you for you… even if things are a bit messy right now.

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