We don’t talk about the 4th Trimester… or at least we didn’t in the past. Thankfully my peers here at Central Mass Mom have begun to shed some light on this difficult and often surprising postpartum phase. This particular phase was hard for me. I was surprised at what I truly needed, as well as where lines were dramatically crossed. To this day (28 months in), I wish I had said “no” (and in many cases, I was advised to) or even “get out” when my postpartum journey was not respected.
My initial postpartum journey had some hiccups throughout the first couple of months. And then… I began simply drowning in the struggle to nurse. It would appear to be going fine… until it simply wasn’t. I’d sprinkle some baker’s yeast on almost everything. My husband and I would hunt out unfiltered beers which seemed to bring perhaps not immediate, but at least “day of” relief to hurdles.
On Christmas day, when my daughter was 6 months old, she began to cluster feed. By 5pm, I couldn’t keep up. My in-laws had one bottle of milk stashed in their freezer. I believe it was… what I was continuously told throughout my pumping days… what others called small. All of the extra that my body could even put out was called small. A stab to the heart every time I heard it, “oh, only small bottles today”. Anyways, I sent my father-in-law out to get that small bottle to maybe get us through. It did… for another 20 months.
And then the next surprise.
I planned to wean my daughter at 18 months. We all got covid right at that time and of course, she needed comfort. We cut back a little bit leading into her two-year mark. We did some traveling which actually helped with that. We rallied through some biting and crying and hitting periods and eventually got to an age where we could talk about all of the things that weaning would be. It wasn’t what I planned… but nursing just past two was actually perfect for us.
We picked out special cups at target for when mama’s milk was less. We read all the bookies on the topic that we could. And we made gradual steps. My daughter always nursed from both sides as my supply was limited. We stepped down to one. And then one night I declared it to be all gone. I unexpectedly received no argument. And so there was no one more time… no awareness on either side that “this was it”… but it was okay. My baby was okay. I thought I was okay. My daughter only hinted at wanting some more a few times but accepted that it was gone. Then there was me…
Anxiety
Within the first couple of weeks of weaning, I had a hiccup during a childcare day. I had to ask a friend to take my daughter to ballet class. This was fine… and then I recalled that I needed her to drop off a check. You read that properly. Drop off a check. Not “oh, I forgot”. Not “I need to borrow money”. I needed to ask her to walk two more doors down and leave something…. after I had already asked her to drive 40 minutes round trip out of her way. I was paralyzed by this.
Cystic Acne
This is how I know my facial skincare routine truly works… the cystic acne hit everywhere other than my face. We joked it was the “bubonic plague” but truly it was a deep and painful throwback to my teen years. My back acne etc… had cleared up miraculously at 25… months before I dawned a wedding gown. I really never thought about it again. Then it returned and had me dreading an upcoming trip with open-back dresses that I thought I was finally ready for.
The Days Became So Long
There is conflicting advice out there on what sort of bras to wear while weaning. Old advice leaned into tight sports bras to constrain the breasts. It turned out that I needed them for basic support in this period when I was full with nowhere for milk to go. The few nights that I wore a normal bra I wound up either in so much pain I couldn’t stand straight, or truly throwing up with all-over pain and sickness.
I Cried Over Everything
Memories. New things. Small struggles. Not accomplishing what I wanted in a day. A really pretty sunset. You name it, I was a bucket of tears.
“Mommy Wine Culture” Snuck In
A glass of wine. This wasn’t a fix. I knew it wasn’t. But as a puddle of emotions, you do question what you know and what will just make it stop. The inflammation and headache of alcohol is not the answer. I was very aware of this for myself, but I let that knowledge fade in this period.
Hot Flashes
Maybe it was because I was up and about, but the hot flashes in this period truly rivaled postpartum hot flashes. Layers became a rule and I was most often keeping our family indoors as I ran around in a tank top during a cooler New England fall.
Clogs
I began to clog at about 3 weeks in. I was luckily able to get through it but intense almost “cravings” to just nurse or pump to fix it, were far stronger than I’d ever have thought.
Calmly Rejecting Helpful Advice
Part of why I’d dare to call this a 5th Trimester is the simple fact that no one knows what’s helping other than you. The advice of a hot shower just led to crying and leaking. A cold shower simply sounded awful. Planning quick showers throughout the week and honestly just taking time out to journal or even just stare at a wall was better for me at this time.
Feeling Triumphant and Stuck….At The Same Time
Some weight melted off suddenly. I did note that I actually gained weight once I truly faced my struggles to nurse. The top I wore for my daughter’s first apple picking at two months old still does not fit from gaining in my arms at that time. Once I started weening I entered a phase of some weight loss. And then I was seemingly stuck again but everything fit funny. It has been a roller coaster of confusion.
There were a lot of “things” that piled up into this new period. A lot of pain. A lot of wins. A lot of determination to not just undo it. A lot of these things I know we could all feel, and all be told they aren’t normal. Or they didn’t happen to someone else. And we feel like we aren’t normal. The truth is, we all start at different baselines. Different nursing timelines. Different emotional capacities. Different hormone levels. Different support systems. Different health histories and goals. Different family routines and impacts from them. We are all ok. We can all do this. We can all get through the 4th trimester. But also we are all normal.
